Peace Train

Now I've been happy lately, thinking about the good things to come
And I believe it could be, something good has begun

A friend of mine confessed his feelings for me a couple of days ago. It came to me as a surprise since I detected no sign whatsoever and we've only started talking for about a week. In all honesty, I don't see him as anything more than a friend at this time, but he's incredibly sweet and respectful, which I admire. But then that's just his nature with women. And he's friends with a lot of women. I don't see why of all the women he's friends with and have encountered, he finds fascination in me, esp. after only a week of talking. I'm a little numb. I think I have just started to get used to being on my own. I have a circle of single male friends I talk to on a regular basis and I'm content with that, unless they start getting girlfriends. =/

I want to take my time because when I fall, I fall deeply. And I love deeply. Honestly, I don't think I've 100% recovered from my previous relationship--it's got nothing to do with the guy, but rather it has everything to do with how I love. When I love, I love deeply, wholly, and completely. So I'm not going to jump quickly into a relationship until I have quite a firm grasp and until I know it feels right.

I'm just enjoying being single. I've my life, goals, and school to think about. I'm doing well in school and family/friends relation is going smoothly. I'm feeling at peace. And I just wish everyone can feel the same way I do. I want to thank every single person who's helped me endure what seemed like the worst 9 months of my life. Thank you for taking the time to check up on me and make sure I was okay. Thank you for showing your concern. I love you all. You make me feel so loved. I wish I can always be there for you to put a smile on your faces. I'm so sorry that I'm not enough.

With that said, enjoy this piece of music. I love it. It gives me hope and makes me want to get up, dance, and enjoy life.



Peace, everyone!

P.S. Then maybe again, if he serenaded me with this song, I just might change my mind. Always been a fan of this one.



OR THIS:
hahaha I'm totally having fun with this... oh the possibilities!



This is hot.

Update

I have been content lately. Off to coffee with TJ later at 11. He said he made a bracelet for me; it's a late birthday gift. How sweet of him. On another note, Huey's been trying to reach me. Maybe I'll get online later tonight. I should probably call Joey before that though...

I have Friday off. Thinking of attending Jumu'ah. Haven't done that in a while. There are some supplications I need to make. I pray 2010 will be a much, much better year for me. Success in school, family and friend relations, and of course, in the love department.

I'll probably take this particular post down later today, though.

"Life is like driving. You can only move forward when you are looking ahead. No one can move forward when they're looking in the rearview mirror, only backwards. Are you parked, driving backwards or moving forward? My car was broken down for a long time. Growing up throughout my life, I was physically and verbally abused. There were times I questioned everything, and I was angry, but at the end of the day, you have to pick yourself up and realize that you have so much more than other people. I think that was what kept me going, knowing that I had to move forward for the sake to help others who were not able to stand up." - Michelle Phan

Lost n Found

I'm at a loss for words somehow. I never quite understood why I have the seeming proclivity to sabotage myself time and time again. Someone suggested that it's human nature to do such. I think there's a deeper issue that's been unresolved--something I've yet to understand. But it's finally happened. This is what I've wanted all this time andI've finally gotten what I want, yet somehow--unbeknownst to me, I feel disconcerted. I'm not sure why; nevertheless, it's due time to make room for new people. A friend of mine, TJ, whom I've recently just gotten re-acquainted with, said 'Well you're in my life now and I plan to put in the extra effort into our friendship and let my actions do the talking.' I'm still going to have my guards up for a very long time though.

On another note, with the new year in place, I'm sensing there'll be a handful of new people making their way into my life. And I can't wait to meet them.

~
My best friend was right. And I'm getting closer to finally obtaining what I want... =)
But in the meantime... I think this song appropriately suits the mood/current state of mind I'm in...

I used to listen to this song back in the day when I was still in that grungy/disgruntled/emotional phase back in high school, even though this song does not really contain much of a grungy/disgruntled undertone, needless to say it still evokes plenty of emotions. I loved this song then, and I still love it today.

...And oh any man who can rock a guitar can def. rock my world ;)

A Birthday and a Graduation and a half

It occurred to me that I was suppose to graduate this year from UW, technically. Apparently, however, that isn't the case. I have about three years left to go... maybe even four if I decide to really go for Masters. -Wow-

Heh, this is just for kicks, but I did this when I was younger and it came true. When I was around 12 or 13, maybe even a little older than that, I predicted I was going to have my first boyfriend when I was 19. It came true. Davis and I dated shortly after I turned 19. Haha... so with that said, I'm going to do this again, 'cept this time with marriage.

I'm gonna get married when I'm 23. Late 23, maybe early to mid 24. We'll see about two years from now if that's going to come true. Stay tuned. Haha...

A piece on Change

I think most people reach a point in their life when they realize that change is inevitable and that it is vital for growth. If that's the case, then by all means, do that. Change. Metamorph. The desire to be something much more and greater than the current self is innate and human. So in other words, no it's not enough for one to lay content with one's self. Change should occur when change is needed.

A Peace of Mind

"...A woman's heart should be so lost in God that a man needs to seek Him in order to find her..." -part of a Bible verse

Rewind

[Another reprise: Originally written on 26th of June, 2009]
Current mood: calm

I'm not sad. I didn't cry. I am, however, a little devastated--to an extent. It still feels a little surreal. I never thought a name as collossal and prominent as his could ever be placed next to the word 'dead'. Despite all the insanity revolving around the last years of his life, he was, indubitably, a super icon who made such an immense contribution to the music world and influenced so many people and young musicians throughout the globe. THAT, my friends, is a fact whether you choose to accept it or not--it's a fact regardless of what your stance is in the controversy surrounding him. Some of you don't give a flying...rat's arse, of course and that's fine. However, my post for today centers on death.

Now I don't experience too many deaths of loved ones, thank heavens. The first (and I hope to God the only one for a while) personal death I've encountered was that of my grandnana's which occurred two months ago. She was very much alive throughout the early years of my childhood and was an influential figure during that part of my life. Growing up, she was always present in my mind and heart. I felt so close to her and I honestly couldn't see her ever leaving. Ever. Then one day I was proven wrong. Very wrong. She died. She left.

Most of us don't like to think about death because it's not exactly a cheery topic about butterflies and sunshine. We associate death with an end to all physical, worldly things...for the most part anyway, depending on your belief system. We associate death with loss and decay. When a loved one dies, we cry, we get sad, etc. We each deal with death differently and in our own terms while our bodies react accordingly. However, ultimately, after some time has passed, we get over it and move on with our lives. We no longer cry. We no longer grief though there may still be a tinge of sadness left. Perhaps there's still even a bad after taste in your mouth from the mixture of tears and saliva, but for the most part you're done grieving.

I see death as a constant reminder to be aware of our own presence in this life. We are very much alive. If you bleed when you accidentally cut yourself, you're alive. When someone you love breaks your heart and you feel pain, you're alive. But just because you're alive, are you really living? When we go about our life and trudge through our mundane routines, sometimes we lose sight of what it means to live, and frighteningly, we forget that death is very real. Most of us don't really realize how real it is until it hits home. That's what's scary, not death itself. The people we thought would never leave, leave.

No one is exempt from death. You could be a huge international icon or simply a blue-collared middle class individual working for $10.50/hr at some dead-end job; death knows no status, age or condition. It'll come to you when it's your time.

I don't know about you, but I don't want to live on what-if's and what-could-have's. I'd want to leave some kind of imprint that says "Firda was here and she was very much alive and living."

Closer

How could I have asked for so much when I, myself, have given so little? How could I have asked for perfection, when I, myself, do not strive towards it? My heart has been consumed by flames of resentment and pride that I have lost sight of what is true and good. I've lost grasped of reality. What have I done? What sins have I committed? Just how far have I strayed?

God, sometimes I don't understand how You work, but if there's one thing I know, You are amazing. You've given me so much to be grateful for, yet I've given so little in return. When You test me, I kick and scream and rebel and call You unfair, sometimes even as far as despise You. Yet somehow, some way, You still let good things happen to me. You still protect me and You still let that light shine in my life. I don't know how or why, but You never cease to see the good in me. Certain things happen for a reason and nothing shall happen save by Your leave, and all things that have failed to work in my life are only signs of Your protection for me. You understand me thoroughly in ways that I, myself, have failed to.

You bring certain people into my life as a way of answering my needs and pleas. And what do I do to thank You, I scream at You, blame You, and doubt You. O' God, my King, my Savior, I am not religious by any means. I am not an expert in Your Sacred Laws, I do not speak the language of Your Revelation, and I do not always follow Your guidance. I have committed far more sins than good deeds--that, I confess in utter shame. But You, the Seer of the Unknown, have protected me far much more than I have been deserved to be protected--why? because You are the very symbol of patience. You are my sole Protector. You love me in the way that no earthly being has ever loved me before. Your love transcends that of anything my mind has ever grasped.

And for that, I am so blessed. I am a sinner. But a sinner who seeks to be closer to You. Let others have their alcohol and their drugs. I have You. And that is enough.

From me to you

One of my good friends, Huey, a lovely gentleman with whom I've been engaging in these thought-provoking conversations, left me with these words last night:

"Each day, each word, each emotion expressed, each deed done... is a droplet that never ceases rippling in life's vast ocean. Put your heart into your words, into your actions, and most of all.. in your eyes. They speak volumes. "

I'll remember that before I go to sleep tonight.
~
I wonder if a sense of normalcy will return. I would hate to become estranged with the very man I used to care so much about. I never was the type to let go of friendships. But lately, I feel like trying to salvage whatever is left, should there be any, would be utterly useless. I've moved on and so has he. I just wish we could still maintain a normal friendship...

Awakening...

Hallways
To see a hallway in your dream, symbolizes self exploration and the beginning of a path that you are taking in life. You are going through a transitional phase in your life and journeying into the unknown. It signals spiritual enlightenment, emotional growth, physical prowess, new opportunities and mental passages in your life.
~
This is just what I need to hear right now.

Comforting

I had a chat with one of my old guy friends, Mark, from high school tonight. I haven't seen him since we graduated in '06 or talk to him much on Facebook lately, for that matter. He's been doing his own thing and apparently recently signed up for the army?! Well, he and I got around to talking about loneliness and this is what he said to me, "You won't have that feeling forever, one day an amazing guy is gonna give you everything that you've been waiting for and everything you deserve. You're beautiful inside and out that people like you don't come around often in this world. You say you haven't found someone, I say you haven't been found yet".

That last part struck me.

Enough is enough. The art of moving on...

When something doesn't work out or turn out the way you hoped it would, move on. This is just God's way of saying "Hahaha you seriously thought that was going to work out? I don't think so. I've got something better for you. Trust me." Brush the dust off your shoulder and say "See ya." Then cease contact with that person.

But for now, I say whatever to relationships. I've been hurt so much. I won't let any guy come anywhere near me. All they do is disappoint you and make you cry.

The things I find beautiful...

This is a reprise of an old post I had written two years ago in the summer of '08.
Originally written on : July 09, 2008

There's nothing more beautiful than a man who is kind, compassionate, and benevolent to his mother and humble enough to prostrate before God. I think I could love a man like that. On the contrary, I fell in love with whom I thought was almost perfect in every way, that is until, I learned that he didn't believe in God or a god. He simply didn't believe that there is something great out there, or larger than him, for that matter. I was appalled and I thought, "I can't possibly love a man who thinks he is the greatest thing in the universe (or his universe, it matters not)." I also learned that he's not too big on pre-destination. At some point, he made me stop believing in it. I was senseless to have done that. Free-will and pre-destination go hand-in-hand--you can't have one without the other--however paradoxical that sounds. I learned more things about him along the way that put some sense into me. I realized that I had fallen blindly for this man.

I found his "formality," knack for words, and the ability to captivate me with his unconventional storytelling irresistible. For the longest time, I had a hard time deciding on whether it was the stories that I was falling for or the man behind them. After some time, I grew weary of both and dismissed them from my thoughts. In a nutshell, sometimes things aren't what they seem and that some people aren't as good as you perceive them to be.

Then I reflect on what I have now. Despite his weaknesses and shortcomings, he sure has a lot of good qualities to cover for the former. To me, he's truly what's irresistible--sexy and adorable in his own ways and in his own rights. For instance, I especially love it when he finds fascination in the littlest things and then gets incredibly excited over them. Or the way he changes the subject in a conversation before I have time to finish contemplating on the current subject; I used to despise that but I eventually grew to tolerate it, and maybe even like it. I love it when he tells me of his fears and worries. I love that he trusts me in the way that I trust him.

However, not all things are gravy. Sometimes he saddens me with the slang/profanity and the periodic drinking...and his fixation on adult films... and the occasional gravitation towards gambling, but I see something much bigger when I think of him, and that's his heart. He cares for my well-being, he's utterly patient with me, he's thoughtful, considerate, and understanding. But best of all, he's humble enough to believe in God and the fact that he does, it is beautiful. Oh me oh my. Could this be...real? If only...then maybe...it could work out. Maybe.

To be continued...

Clearly, this post was written at a time when we were still both at that pivotal point in our relationship. I see him in a completely different light now. Things have changed. People change. Relationships get broken. What used to be is now no more. I choose to move on with my life.